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It was about 3:30 PM on New Years Eve when I realized my plans had fallen through. I was home alone, my roommate was away on one of her many adventures, and I was sitting in our small sliver of a kitchen watching the first episode of Friends. The city outside seemed was so quiet, with everyone getting ready to go out for the evening. I texted  a couple of friends seeing if I could join whatever they were doing. A lot of them had bought tickets to events that were now sold out. The laugh track from the show seemed to sync up with every time another text brought unsuccessful news. 

I opened the window all the way and let the cool air rush into our hot apartment. I stood still for a second and took in the sunset, pictured above. The 2014 was giving a spectacular last show and while I mentally recorded the pinks and golds contrasting against the darkening blue sky, I felt the cold seep through my skin and in deep to my bones. The loneliness that I had been trying to shake all day was now in every corner of my body. I shut the window again and crawled into bed. With tears in my eyes, I fell asleep until 10:30 at night.

When I woke up I decided to just suck it up, put a fancy dress on and go to my favorite bar down the street where I knew all of the bartenders. I texted one more friend, who surprisingly was free as well, and we headed to Vbar on St. Marks. By 2 A.M we went back to his place and passed out while watching Bob's Burgers and cuddling with his husky, Troy.

I woke up somewhere around 7 A.M and went into his kitchen to grab some juice. For the first time in years I wasn't hungover on New Year's Day. The sun was beginning to rise and I sat in the window of this East Village penthouse watching the light touch New York City for the first time in 2015. We cooked breakfast and I was back at my apartment by 9 A.M. I'm not sure why that morning stood out to me. I guess when I look back on it I started the day feeling so positive. There was a buzz to 2015 that I couldn't shake. I spent the day cooking and watching friends. 

2015 ended up being a year of transition. I spent January, February and March figuring out where I stand with myself. I started to come into my own, leveling out the firestorm of uncertainty that filled the last months of 2014. 

Valentine's Day, February, 2015 

Surrounded by great friends, I survived the winter months and got to warmer days. 

Dancing with Rachel and Brittanny, Hotel Chantelle, January, 2015

Actually, I'm going to pause here. As I write this I'm realizing I sound so cliche and boring. I'll say it right now. 2015 was fucking hard. I'm really glad my girlfriends were by my side. I'm glad I felt those depressed nights by myself in my apartment alone because they made me much stronger. If you would have told me I would have ended up with the love of my life and married in 2015, I would have literally laughed in your face. I learned to stand up for myself this year, I learned to be ambitious, I learned how to love again and I learned that as much as I may love puppies, I may be a little bit of a cat lady as well. I let go of people who didn't deserve to be in my life and as of yesterday, I let go of a traumatic pain.

I'm gatefull for my family that guided me through this year

My girlfriends who kept me sane

and my husband who has shown me what it's like to really love and be love in retuned.

So good fucking riddance, 2015.

Bring on 2016. 

Here are some of my favorite photos from the year.

East Village, February, 2015 

Kabby at the Gramercy Park Hotel, March, 2015

J.T at on his balcony, Long Island, April, 2015

Wheelhouse, Brooklyn, April 12th, 2015

Engagement ring, May, 2015

Married, May, 2015

Rachel's birthday at The Standard, June 2015

The first time Jonathan photographed me, Brooklyn, 2015

A Letter to a Girl That I Once Knew

This post has been removed due to the current nature of safety our judicial system has to offer. 

I will not put myself in danger of a frivolous defamation case for telling my story. 

I will not be silenced, but I will not post my story in writing. You know what to do if you want to know. 

Diary I

It’s 3 am but my body is telling me that it is 4 am. Daylight Savings Time has started, so my body is one hour ahead of the clock, but this is still too early for me. I’ve become accustomed to waking up early, to the soft voice of Brian Lehrer fading into our room as the alarm goes off at 6am. When I first moved in, the early morning NPR drove me crazy. All I wanted was to sleep in and relax. Jonathan was the complete opposite. Early to rise, early to get work done. My mother told me mirroring stories of her and my father when they first got married. 

As I lay here, I hear the predictable light snore of My Love next to me. He stirs a bit while I look at him, to see if he’s possibly awake as well, when he buries his face into his arm. He hums while he exhales, a sign he’s drifting into deep sleep again, and my mind wanders. I look up at the tree, one that My Love got years ago, by our bed and observe the ultra thin fairy lights wrapped around it’s branches. They’re not normal Christmas lights, they’re thin lights, on a thin wire, so tiny they look like fairies. I’ve wanted them forever, but in a past life, I was told they were the dumbest thing a person could have in their room. In this life, when I sheepishly mentioned that I thought they were cool, we got them. “If you like them, we will get them.” 

Sometimes, I find myself overthinking this new life. When I’m laying in bed reading my book, I peek up to watch my love bop around to "Hotline Bling" while he rearranges our room. A thunderstorm of fears roll through my head bringing a downpour of what ifs. What if the rug is pulled out from my feet again? What if this too good to be true? What if?! As if he can read my mind, my love stands at the edge of our bed and squeezes my feet. He winks at me and I wink back, our silent sign for “Hey babe, it’s ok. You’re doing great.” In that moment the clouds roll away and just like a summer rain, it’s gone. I’m grateful for these moments. Our adventures are wonderful but the small moments are what I hold on to the most. Like the rare times we stay in at night just so we can watch tv, and knit. Or when we watch a swollen moon hang low in the evening sky. Or when we walk around the city for hours at a time. It’s magical. I feel as if I keep repeating myself when I talk about this new love I’m experiencing with My Love, but I can’t help it. It’s so brand new. I’ve never been with someone who I’ve loved this much. Who I’ve been lucky to have understand me this much. With someone who has loved me just as much as I loved them. I have never been more of my(weird)self, in a relationship. I’m me, in a marriage, but it’s really me. 

My eyelids feel like they have twenty pound weights attached to them, but my mind is racing away. I’m planning our day, the next day, and the following month. I’m excited for the holidays, for my day off, for more adventures, and finally, for some more sleep.

So, your Emily got married: A guide to handling this tough time in your life.

It happened.

Your Emily, or Emma as some of you know her, got married. 

The worst part? She didn't tell you about it. 

How rude! The nerve of her! How could she?!

I know, I know. You didn't deserve this tragedy in your life but here we are shocked, shaken and confused. I'll give you a moment to gather your thoughts or a drink.

You ok? 

Ok, good.

Now that you've had a second, please look over the following guide of FAQs to going through this new chapter in your life. Everything is changing for you now, hopefully this will help ease the transitional period and give you the answers you've been looking for.

Q: Did you get married because you're pregnant? OH MY GOD ARE YOU HAVING A BABY?
A: No. There is not baby and there will be no baby for awhile. We've got our hands nice and full with Charlie.

Q: When did this happen?

A: This happened on a very perfect Wednesday in May. 

Q: Why wasn't I invited?
A: You not being invited wasn't a slight at you. We just decided to do this (necessary step regardless of whether there is a big wedding or a small one) in private for ourselves. We got married, we didn't have a wedding. When we have a wedding, you will know.

Q: No one you knew was there? Who was your witness?? WHY WASN'T I INVITED???????????????????????????
A: We had a photographer, a witness and the court house officiant. That was it.

Q: Well then why didn't you tell me? Or anyone for that matter?
A: Originally, we weren't going to tell anyone. We hoped that when the time came to take care of the actual marriage part before our wedding we would just say "Oh, it's fine, we took care of it." Then I got too excited and just told a couple of people and posted a photo. The photos, as you will see below, are some of the most precious things in the world to me. I couldn't keep them to myself. I wanted to wait to tell most people in person however with the way that gossip works, that wasn't possible.

Q: What was the rush?
A: There is no real answer for this that might make sense to you. We wanted to start our lives together. People always say "when you know, you know" and it kind of sounds like bullshit until you actually feel it. The entire feeling is so overwhelming and powerful. We wanted to start this beautiful and crazy journey together. Plus, we each want to be the ones to scream "PULL THE PLUG DAMNIT!" If the occasion should ever arise. (edit: don't think I should need to put this here but this that last part is obviously a joke)

Q: Do your parents know? What did they say? Were they mad? What were you wearing when you told them? Was it sunny outside when you did? 
A: All parties are aware. They're all happy that we are happy.

Q: Is your sister mad that you got married first?
This is asked a lot. No, my sister doesn't give a shit. She's happy that I'm happy and me getting married before her did not destroy her own wonderful and happy relationship and turn her into an unhappy shrew. It was a close one though. Glad she kept it together. Thanks, D.

Q: I'm mad. I wasn't invited and you didn't even tell me. How can my life ever be the same again?
A: Another one I seem to be getting a lot. I encourage you to try to look past my sins. I beg for your forgiveness and I hope that life rebuilds for you. Everything you know has change and the entire world might have stopped turning but understand that it gets better. Go back to work or go for a walk. I hear that hugging babies and playing with puppies really helps in times of turmoil. Holding onto anger of not being told for the rest of your life must be exhausting, take a spa day to let out the tension. You can get through this. Before you know it (like in the next 5 minutes) your life will be the same and everything will return to normal. #itgetsbetter #yeswecan #sisepuede

Q: Wow! I feel better already! How did you know?
A: How did I know that me getting married would not effect your life in any way, shape or form?
Call it a hunch.

We hope this has been informative for you. If you have any other questions you can, of course, send your carrier pigeon with a note. Address available upon request.

*On a serious note, the people who did know before this post who have given us love and good wishes I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support has been very much appreciated.*

Below the photos from the day taken by the unbelievable Michelle Peralta. They are everything to me.

Quick notes on these photos:
-A HUGE thank you to Rachel Lynch of Ihateblonde.com for helping to style me for the day.
-Unif Gamma Ray Jacket
-For Love and Lemons Ethereal Maxi Dress
-Wildfox Luna Sunglasses
-Strawberry purse is from Buffalo Exchange
-Bouquet was made from the roses Jonathan had given me when he gave me my diamond ring.
-The tattoos are simple. My favorite tattoo is the arrow I have on the left side of my ribs. Jonathan liked the meaning and liked the idea that he could always use it to point at me. I got "darling", what has called me pretty much everyday since we've met, in his handwriting on my wrist.