Thursday, December 31, 2015

Page 365 of 365

It was about 3:30 PM on New Years Eve when I realized my plans had fallen through. I was home alone, my roommate was away on one of her many adventures, and I was sitting in our small sliver of a kitchen watching the first episode of Friends. The city outside seemed was so quiet, with everyone getting ready to go out for the evening. I texted  a couple of friends seeing if I could join whatever they were doing. A lot of them had bought tickets to events that were now sold out. The laugh track from the show seemed to sync up with every time another text brought unsuccessful news. 

I opened the window all the way and let the cool air rush into our hot apartment. I stood still for a second and took in the sunset, pictured above. The 2014 was giving a spectacular last show and while I mentally recorded the pinks and golds contrasting against the darkening blue sky, I felt the cold seep through my skin and in deep to my bones. The loneliness that I had been trying to shake all day was now in every corner of my body. I shut the window again and crawled into bed. With tears in my eyes, I fell asleep until 10:30 at night.

When I woke up I decided to just suck it up, put a fancy dress on and go to my favorite bar down the street where I knew all of the bartenders. I texted one more friend, who surprisingly was free as well, and we headed to Vbar on St. Marks. By 2 A.M we went back to his place and passed out while watching Bob's Burgers and cuddling with his husky, Troy.

I woke up somewhere around 7 A.M and went into his kitchen to grab some juice. For the first time in years I wasn't hungover on New Year's Day. The sun was beginning to rise and I sat in the window of this East Village penthouse watching the light touch New York City for the first time in 2015. We cooked breakfast and I was back at my apartment by 9 A.M. I'm not sure why that morning stood out to me. I guess when I look back on it I started the day feeling so positive. There was a buzz to 2015 that I couldn't shake. I spent the day cooking and watching friends. 

2015 ended up being a year of transition. I spent January, February and March figuring out where I stand with myself. I started to come into my own, leveling out the firestorm of uncertainty that filled the last months of 2014. 
Valentine's Day, February, 2015 

Surrounded by great friends, I survived the winter months and got to warmer days. 

Dancing with Rachel and Brittanny, Hotel Chantelle, January, 2015

Actually, I'm going to pause here. As I write this I'm realizing I sound so cliche and boring. I'll say it right now. 2015 was fucking hard. I'm really glad my girlfriends were by my side. I'm glad I felt those depressed nights by myself in my apartment alone because they made me much stronger. If you would have told me I would have ended up with the love of my life and married in 2015, I would have literally laughed in your face. I learned to stand up for myself this year, I learned to be ambitious, I learned how to love again and I learned that as much as I may love puppies, I may be a little bit of a cat lady as well. I let go of people who didn't deserve to be in my life and as of yesterday, I let go of a traumatic pain.
I'm gatefull for my family that guided me through this year
My girlfriends who kept me sane
and my husband who has shown me what it's like to really love and be love in retuned.

So good fucking riddance, 2015.
Bring on 2016. 
Here are some of my favorite photos from the year.

East Village, February, 2015 

Kabby at the Gramercy Park Hotel, March, 2015

J.T at on his balcony, Long Island, April, 2015

Wheelhouse, Brooklyn, April 12th, 2015

Engagement ring, May, 2015

Married, May, 2015

Rachel's birthday at The Standard, June 2015

The first time Jonathan photographed me, Brooklyn, 2015

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